Summer Holiday

So, it’s that time of the year again when all non-teachers declare in exasperated tones that they simply cannot believe we have so long off work. Indeed. If only someone had told them that school holidays existed. If only.

This blog post is actually coming a full two and a bit weeks into my summer holiday and so I’ve probably already had as long off work as the majority of you get over a five year period and I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know that I still have another 27 days to go…

I have just returned from a week in Ibiza, where the closest I got to clubbing was tapping my foot as it dangled over the edge of the sun-lounger. The playlist on my MP3 player wasn’t exactly designed for bopping and grinding, or whatever it is the kids get up to these days, but it served me well and provided suitable accompaniment for my cocktail of reading and, well, cocktails.

However, it wasn’t all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, and so here are three gripes I feel compelled to share…

Sun-Loungers

OK, so it’s not exactly original material to begin moaning about sun-loungers being claimed by towel-hungry Germans, but I was disappointed to see the ethos spreading throughout Europe as fellow-holidaymakers arose at 6am to plant their flags. Phrases such as ‘I usually sit there’ and ‘They’ve taken our parasol’ were blowin’ in the the Balearic wind and by the end of our 7 days the stealing of cushions for extra comfort had become yet another crime to be conducted without even the slightest hint of concern that someone else’s rest might be unfairly affected by such a sweep of selfishness. People. You can’t really take them anywhere, can you?

Squid

So, what are you planning on eating this evening? A bowl of pasta perhaps? Or how about a curry or a good old meat and two veg? Whatever it is, you’re planning on cooking and eating one dish, right?

Why is it, then, that when on holiday I deem it perfectly acceptable to take a slice of pork, a spoonful of veal stew, a chunk of fresh cod, a handful of fries, a portion of pasta, a sprinkle of courgette/aubergine thing, and a pile of squid? Oh, and a few lettuce leaves, just to add some colour. The look of utter disdain on the faces of the waiting staff said it all – this man is an utter disgrace. Indeed.

Shades of Grey

It may have taken her a few months to get there but the first book my wife read on our holiday was none other than Accidental Crime. Not so the rest of the women. The rest? Well, you’ll have seen the images, you’ll have heard the hype, you probably even have it tucked away down the side of the sofa or hidden in the toilet cistern: Fifty Shades of Grey.

At one stage, four women in a row (if you skip over my wife – not normally a good phrase to use) where we were sitting were reading the same novel. Perhaps we should take Michael McIntyre’s comments on ‘The Metro’ and apply them to Shades? – why doesn't one person just read it out to everyone else?

More interesting was seeing the husbands reading the book near the end of the holiday, clearly wanting to discover why their wives had been so keen to go up to their rooms early at the end of the afternoon…

It won’t surprise you to discover that I am irked by the success of this book. So irked in fact that I’m going to use the word irked again here just because I feel so irking frustrated. *Runs off to check irking is a real word*. It also probably won’t surprise you to hear that I am yet to read a page of it (or the other two books in the trilogy, for that matter). No, no, no. I am far too irked, vexed and so on to do that. Instead, I have gone for the well-worn response of:

Oh? Is there something I should be angry about?

Yes? Right, well, I guess I’d better be angry about it. I’m not sure why I should be angry about it but I’d like to be angry about something and so I’ll choose this.

Now, let’s skim read something someone else has said about this so that I can sound knowledgeable and as though I were the first person to get angry about this.

To be fair to E.L. James, she has written something that many people enjoy reading and so for that she should be congratulated. For everything else, I’ll let you make up your own mind…

Anyway, I’m off to make a coffee and generally do other non-work things for the next 27 days.