These Arms of Mine

Two weeks ago I lost the use of one of my arms.

I should, of course, point out that it is only a temporary inconvenience before you all start suggesting I get myself training for Rio 2016. The Paralympics have indeed shown that almost anything is possible with only one arm or in some cases none at all – in the process scuppering any hope I might have had of garnering much sympathy for my situation – and so it is perhaps a little wrong for me to claim too much of a disability, particularly since six weeks doesn’t exactly stack up against the lifetime of inconvenience some people have to go through.

However, one thing is clear: living with only one arm is not that easy. In fact, I think it goes to show that God certainly knew what he was doing when he gave us two. Whether it’s hugging a loved one or squeezing the toothpaste on to the brush, two hands don’t half make the job easier...

Here are five things that two arms undoubtedly do better than one:

1) Semaphore

2) Getting peanut butter out of the jar and onto that piece of toast

3) Typing

4) Opening the pouch of cat food when your wife is late home from work and the cat is scratching everything in sight wondering just what it did to be denied its dinner

5) Climbing trees

It’s not all doom and gloom though. On Tuesday, I finally conquered the crisps, cutting open a packet with a pair of scissors while it rested against the bread board at the optimum severance angle. I was triumphant and rightly so, I feel. OK, so I haven’t exactly hits the heights of survival shown in the film 127 hours (definitely worth watching if you get the chance) but at least my world had a greater salt and vinegar flavour to it than the last 10 days had brought.

Typing has been a little harder. This blog post has been written with very few fingers at all, with the voice activation software on Windows 7 doing most of the work. I still have to talk though, so it’s not been a complete breeze. For some reason, they still haven’t invented a device that types out your thoughts so that you can just sit back on the sofa while your novel is written by the computer. Feel free to go on Dragons’ Den with that one if you can come up with a solution...

For now, I leave you with this thought: cherish your arms. Both of them. Look after them and keep them safe. And, the next time you’re spreading peanut butter with consummate ease, think of me munching on my dry bread, ducking under the ironing board to try and stop the cat scratching the chair and gazing longingly at that tree I could never climb.

In a few weeks I will be like the rest of you, opening pouches until there isn’t a pouch left to open. Until then, use your arms wisely my friends and – here comes the sentimental ending – give someone a big old hug this evening while you still can.

If they ask you what you’re doing, tell them you’re doing it for Sam.