Sign o’ the times

Just a brief blog today with a brief idea…

Finally, I know what the world needs: Voice-activated LED panels on the back of cars.

No longer would I need to feel frustrated that I can’t communicate with the car behind me when I so desperately want to send them a message that would explain why events have panned out in such a way. All I need to do is open my mouth and utter those immortal words: ‘Look, my car has a pretty tiny engine and so it’s not exactly going to be able to pull away at the speed you’re hoping to go, is it? I’d appreciate your patience in this matter and apologise in advance for any inconvenience caused to your day.’ Problem solved.

Or, perhaps I could support the hazard lights in their act of warning by shouting out: ‘Death imminent. Stopping quickly is advised. Strongly advised.’

Or we could share poetry with each other or even Bible verses. It could be the greatest innovation in evangelism since…well, the last one.

We could ban certain words to avoid potential corruption. Offensive messages would be logged by cameras located in the front of all cars (yes, we’ve added that to the mix now) and would lead to points going on your license. Throw in 2 or more ‘f-words’ (folly is fine by the way, if you’re describing a mistake you have made…) and you’re banned from driving for a month.

Road rage is eliminated. Relationships are initiated. The Gospel is spread.

Get me on Dragon’s Den now…

Hands open

‘Look, Mum! No hands!’

It seems that these words of childish exuberance are rearing their head on our streets, albeit in their slightly more dangerous adult form:

‘Look, England! No brain!’

Harsh words? Well, yes. But surely ‘no brain’ is exactly what some people are not only demonstrating but are also anticipating as a future accident waits around the corner to rid them of their grey matter once and for all. As a child, lifting your hands off the handlebars for an ambitious half a second (which, let’s be honest, felt like at least a full minute when you did it) was the signal that you were truly brave, a fully initiated member of society who could hold their head high in the park, perhaps even strut while striding past those pathetic six year olds (you are seven in this story, by the way) who could only dream of lifting a finger, let alone a hand, off their handlebars. They probably still used stabilisers too. You – that’s right, you – were destined for glory because your very own mum had seen you dice with death. And all while being decked out in a fluorescent orange helmet and knee pads…

And then we become adults. Well, some of us do. Some of us walk, drive cars and ride bikes with both hands on the bars, well aware that we are surrounded by machines that are more than capable of crushing us if we make just the slightest slip. (Anyone been put off cycling yet?)

Some of us, on the other hand, think the game is still on. Mum is around every corner, cheering us on as we go for our new personal best, perhaps even occupying our fingers with something else entirely – phones being the most popular option currently – just to prove that, not only can we do without those handlebars, but we can turn our attention to something far more interesting (like the handlebar app on our phone). And you can forget the orange helmet – that’s gone completely, and I don’t just mean the colour…

My favourite ‘stupid cycling incident’ (or SCI, as they’ll forever be called) took the whole ‘I can do whatever I like with my hands’ claim to a whole new level, tore through all previous levels, mocked them for being so unimaginative and made any future efforts at handlebar-free cycling pale into insignificance. This was more than a phone. (No, it wasn’t two phones.) This was a bowl. A bowl containing noodles. A bowl held in the left hand. And the right hand? Well, let’s just say that his fingers were expertly grasping chop-sticks that were extracting the noodles and effortlessly raising them to the mouth above. While cycling. Quickly. In a straight line.

‘Look, Mum! Noodles!’

Is it wrong to have wanted to have kicked the bike?

Or perhaps we should embrace this as the perfect demonstration of multi-tasking. Maybe we should all be trying out such things? Perhaps someone who reads this might like to go for a ride on their skateboard (you probably don’t own a skateboard if you’re a follower of my blog but I saw one earlier and so my head went there…) while making a cucumber sandwich. Sound easy? You’ll need a knife, a cucumber, a bread board, two slices of bread and a tub of margarine.
Consider it a blog challenge. And, if that doesn’t take your fancy, you could always try making a cup of camomile tea while skipping gaily down the street.

‘Look, Mum! Burned hands!’

Same Band

Spying works. Spying brings unexpected discoveries. Spying enhances your music collection.

Readers of my first batch of blogs many months ago will know that I occasionally (OK, often) dropped in the name ‘Mark Watson’, normally alongside a self-deprecating comment about how much better he was than me, accompanied by an open invitation to a game of table-tennis if anyone is able to hook us up. Having recently trawled through his website and spied on the tweets he is sending to other people (yes, this is perfectly normal behaviour – why are you looking at the screen like that?), I stumbled across further evidence that, not only is he more successful than me at doing stand-up comedy gigs before crowds of hundreds (to be fair to me, my career in that particular area has yet to take off), but it appears that he is also far more adept at finding out about bands reforming and even has the gumption – what a cracking word – to contact such a band to check whether they really are the same band that produced the song ‘Same Band’ back in the heady year of 1999. It turns out, you see, that he had indeed correctly identified the band and, one quick Google & Facebook search later, I too found myself reacquainted with one of the most bizarre but incredible bands of the late 90s: Ultrasound.

I don’t expect you to like them. Not many people did really – hence the solitary mammoth debut album from ‘99 that has perhaps the greatest album sleeve ever created (look it up if you ever get the chance – it’s not just the artwork on the front cover, the whole thing opens up to show this most incredible piece of art).  But they’re back and with a storming new single (see video below), which I am very much enjoying and am using as the primary evidence for my new campaign to encourage people to spy on tweets. I’m wondering what else I’ve missed – have Mansun finally got back together? Have they made a 4th Matrix film that went straight to DVD and didn’t get much of a press? Is Mark Watson heading on a tour of Southampton, looking for people to challenge him to a good old-fashioned game of ping-pong? Who knows, but maybe twitter will and so let’s all read as much as we can so that we don’t miss out on any more of this marvellous world.

In other news, I’ve just spent the last week home alone, which was definitely less eventful than Macauley Culkin’s many adventures, and so I have learned a few things about myself that I would like to share:

1) I am perfectly happy to play an long-running game of buckaroo/jenga with pots, pans and baking dishes.

2) I am so keen to train my cat to use the cat-flap properly that I will let her in the house via the door before taking her back outside and trying to push her through the cat-flap (in a tasteful, not-needing-to-be-reported-to-the-RSPCA-type-of-way, I should point out).

3) I will invent all sorts of interesting combinations of food for dinner – my favourite being: left over curry, couscous, broccoli, peas and a slice of crusty bread with tuna and sweetcorn spread.

4) I will still make as much coffee as I would if there were two of us and will solve this issue by drinking twice as much as usual. Genius.

5) I will still make lists of things that I put on blogs in an attempt to amuse readers and to give the impression that I have something worthwhile to say this week.

In other, other news – news on the novel and monologue collection is quiet because I am currently waiting for a cover to be made for both and for people who were reading the novel to come back to me with their comments so that I can turn it from being simply fantastic to being simply earth-shatteringly monumental. You will, of course, be informed (whether you like it or not) when  - sorry, I need to pause mid-sentence to tell you that I’ve just seen 3 dogs wearing coats outside and the one wearing the yellow one looked pretty fed up – one or both of the projects are ready to go.

In the meantime, here’s ‘Welfare State’ by Ultrasound. Don’t expect to like it but be happy for me that I do…

P.S. My week of being home alone was not indicative of any marital difficulties – my wife was visiting her sister to see her new baby. Just in case you were worried…